How secure do you feel in your Relationship? Take our Attachment Questionnaire

How secure do you feel in your Relationship? Take our Attachment Questionnaire

Posted on January 28, 2014

Attachment Questionnaire

How Safe and connected do you feel with your partner?

Take this quick quiz to determine how secure your Attachment is.

From your view point, is your partner accessible to you?

I can get my partner’s attention easily. T F
My partner is easy to connect with emotionally. T F
My partner shows me that I come first with him/her. T F
I am not feeling lonely or shut out in this relationship. T F
I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. He/she will listen. T F

From your viewpoint, is your partner responsive to you?

If I need connection and comfort, he/she will be there for me. T F
My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close. T F
I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure. T F
Even when we fight or disagree, I know that I am important to my partner and we will find a way to come together. T F
If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner, I can get it. T F

Are you positively emotionally engaged with each other?

I feel very comfortable being close to, trusting my partner. TF
I can confide in my partner about almost anything. T F
I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected to each other. T F
I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts, and fears. T F
I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner. T F

To score, total the Ts Your total ……….

Scoring:

7 or more – Yes, you have a secure attachment or bond with partner

Les than 7 – Your bond and connection with your partner does NOT feel secure. You most probably feel you have an under- responsive partner.

You may want to talk with a Relationship Psychologist to help rebuild your bond and feeling or secure attachment.

More on do you feel you are competing with your partner’s mobile phone in our next blog.

Warmest regards

Julie

Why do my relationships not go the way I want them to?

Posted on January 28, 2014

Have you ever wondered why your relationships don’t go the way you want them to despite your best efforts?

It all starts way back when you were growing up.

As a child, we all need respect, understanding, empathic attunement & mirroring of ourselves from our parents or caregivers.

We need our parents to serve as a mirror to us, to see us clearly, to respond appropriately to our feelings, to reflect them back to us, reassuring us that they are ok, and reflect our core goodness and potential back to us.

It is only in doing this that we get to know who we really are and appreciate ourselves and feel confident about developing towards adulthood.

Unfortunately, most parents are unable to do this, as they themselves have not received this level of empathic attunement for themselves. They see their children through the dark coloured distorted glasses of their own limited perceptions of themselves, as well as their own hopes, fears, expectations and unmet needs.

They simply couldn’t give us the kind of recognition they never gave themselves, nor allow us to have feelings, needs or sensitivities they never allowed themselves to have either.

This provides an incredibly challenging situation that many children have to find a way to deal with.

To the extent that we don’t receive this empathic attunement of ourselves as a child, we grow up feeling that there is something wrong with us, or our experience; that we are in some way deficient, unworthy or unacceptable, or that we don’t exist or are completely insignificant.

This is experienced as deeply hurtful, and this core wound and sense of emptiness can haunt us for the rest of our lives.

This attachment wound then can play itself out in a myriad of ways:

– At a level sometimes below our consciousness, we can feel deeply hurt & in shock and so we shut down our natural openness of our being

– We can have very little awareness of our real emotions and needs, as we have had no or very little validation of them.

– We can protect our sense of safety by believing that our parents must be right, and therefore we develop a haunting sense of deficiency and poor self esteem, and a most primal core belief that “I am deficient, I am unworthy, I am unacceptable, I don’t exist”

– We can develop a False Self/ Ego/ Rigid Personality which gives us:

An identity

A sense of control and safety in the world.

A sense of superiority

An avoidance of vulnerability

But can also give us:

A lack of empathy and compassion to ourselves and others

A lack of openness and softness to ourselves and others

A sense of numbness and inner emptiness

And a life that feels flat, stale and joyless

– We can medicate ourselves by getting addicted to TV, alcohol, material success, food, social media, shopping, love, spirituality and many other things, to numb the feeling of emptiness

– We relate in all our relationships from a rigid personality and an Insecure Attachment style

– We have no idea of who we really are

So, our relationship with our parents helps shape our brain in a way that was highly adaptive to the circumstances we found ourselves in. We survived, we adapted and we did the best we could.

However, this closing down emotionally and feeling poorly about ourselves shapes our neural processes, self-esteem and emotional regulation capacities throughout our later life, as well as how securely we feel attached in our relationships.

Additionally all of these aspects play out over and over again in all our subsequent relationships, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy as we behave toward new people in ways that reproduce old negative relationships.

In this way almost all of us have ongoing life experiences that repeatedly reinforce earlier learned patterns of being in the world with others.

I will talk more about Attachment in the next few blogs. How secure our attachments are and what our attachment styles are, are very important components in understanding why our relationships don’t work the way we would like them.

Stay tuned for more information on understanding your attachment styles in the next couple of weeks.

If you are needing more information and help with your specific relationship click here for information on what our relationship counselling can offer.

More on how secure you feel in your relationship in our next blog.

Warmest regards

Julie

4 Steps to H-E-A-L your Relationship when it goes Off track

Posted on January 23, 2014

Even the strongest relationships get off track sometimes, because of the stresses of living, mismatches in expectations or either of us being triggered from wounds from the past.

Melanie Greenberg has developed a simple 4 step H-E-A-L (Hear – Empathize – Act – Love) technique to repair damaged relationships by replacing defensive self-protection with compassionate presence and loving connection.

HEAR – To Hear Your Partner, Stay Present & Listen

When your partner speaks, make an effort to stay mentally present & listen. Open your heart and take down your defenses. It’s not about defending yourself, but about trying to understand your partner & learning to fulfill each other’s needs.

Listen beyond his/her words for nonverbal signs of emotion. Does he/she have an angry expression on his/ her face or sadness in his/her eyes? Is his/her body language open and reaching towards you or closed off and guarded?

What do you think your partner is feeling? What are the needs he/she has that are not being met (such as for love, companionship, understanding, control,or respect)?

The best way to soothe an angry spouse is to let him know that you hear and & accept his/her unmet needs and are willing to make changes to help meet them.

EMPATHIZE – Allow Your Partner’s Experience to Deeply Affect you

Once you think you understand what your partner feels and have checked it out with him, pay attention to what feelings YOU have when you observe him feeling this way.

It is especially important to search beneath the surface for the softer, tender feelings. My clients often express anger when what lies underneath is feeling stuck, sad, or lonely.

Can you stay present with your partner, and connect with his/her deeper experience, perhaps feeling pain because he/she is in pain?

Can you feel compassion, and let him/her know that his/her expression of pain or anger affects you deeply?

Your first instinct in hearing your partner’s distress may be to try to solve the problem or give advice. Often this advice comes across as critical or judgmental, which makes things worse.

On the other hand, staying emotionally engaged and expressing compassion can provide healing comfort and connection. Many times, that is all he/she needs.

ACT – Take Action to Address Concerns & Show Willingness to Change

The next step is to commit to intentional action to address your partner’s needs and concerns.

These actions can range from helping more with the dishes to calling your partner during the day to let him/her know you are thinking of him/her, to spending less money because it makes her/him anxious.

When your partner sees that you take his/her concerns seriously, he/she will be more likely to feel valued and respected.

This can create a positive cycle in which he/she appreciates you and feels more loving towards you.

You don’t have to be perfect at it – just the fact that you care and are trying to change is enough to help most people feel validated.

LOVE – Feel and Express Unconditional Love

Make space in your life to deliberately reconnect with the loving feelings you have for your partner, even if recent interactions have made you feel distant or angry.

Think about the good qualities he/she has that originally attracted you to him/her. Perhaps look at old photos or visualize special times in your relationship and the hopes and dreams you had together.

Can you find a way to forgive yourself and your partner for the mistakes you have both made that got you off track? What do these feelings of love motivate you to do? Might you want to reach out to him/her and express your love and affection physically or with action, such as cooking a meal or writing a note?

Love is defined as a concern for another’s wellbeing and a warm feeling you have towards another. Do not make your expressions of love contingent on what your partner does, but rather reach out and express unconditional caring, support, understanding and forgiveness.

If there are unresolved trust issues that hamper your ability to love your partner freely, think about the next steps you could take to air these issues and what it would take to rebuild trust.

SUMMARY

Contrary to the way relationships are portrayed in the movies, they are not all sunsets and roses. A better analogy is that of an ever-changing, complicated dance.

When two people come together with different life histories, sensitivities, and current stresses, you are bound to bump up against each other or get blown off track over the course of a many-year relationship.

Repair your relationship using the H-E-A-L technique. By Hearing, Empathizing, Acting to Change, & Loving, you are actively reaching for your partner and letting them know that they matter and you care. This should create HEALING energy to move your relationship back to health.

If you need further help with any of these techniques, give us a ring and book in for a relationship counselling session .

More on why our relationship not go the way we want them to in in our next blog.

Warmest regards

JUlie

Is Distance the new Closeness?

Posted on January 23, 2014

Absence does makes the heart grow fonder, but does geographical distance increase romantic closeness?

Usually we imagine that we need to live relatively close to each other and see each other often to develop a close romantic relationship.

However, a growing body of research by Aaron Ben-Zeez in the US indicates otherwise: His research has found that long-distance relationships often have an equal or greater value in maintaining and promoting romantic relationships.

So, is living apart together better than living together?

Closeness and romantic relationships

Closeness is a crucial element that determines the emotional intensity we feel with a partner, and we certainly need to have a certain amount of physical closeness to develop an intimate and emotionally connected connection. And love includes the wish to become as close as possible to the person we love.

But, despite this, there are now increasing numbers of romantic couples who live at a geographical distance from each other.

Take the example of what Aaron calls the Commuter marriage. A commuter marriage is a relationship between people who are married and intend to remain so, but nevertheless live apart, usually because of the locations of their jobs, educational demands, and dual-career pursuits. They travel regularly in order to be together, often on weekends but sometimes less frequently. These kind of distant relationships are now a growing form of romantic relationships.

Phone calls, videos, instant messaging, texting, and e-mails allow you to communicate immediately in order to sustain a continuous meaningful romantic relationship despite the geographical distance.

The increase in distant romantic relationships can be largely due to the increased value placed on personal flourishing in romantic relationships, as well as in marriage.

The importance of Personal flourishing

In his book, Passionate marriage, David Schnarch talked about 2 models of Intimacy: other-validated intimacy and self-validated intimacy.

When we are wanting other-validated intimacy we are seeking acceptance, empathy, validation, and reciprocal disclosure from our partner. This is indeed great and part of a healthy relationship, but there is also self validated intimacy which relies on each person maintaining his or her own autonomy and self-worth.

This style involves the ability to maintain your sense of self while in close contact with the partner (who may or may not be validating you).

Self Flourishing & Joint Flourishing

Enter Self Flourishing (a larger emphasis on yourself and your own development as a person) and … Joint flourishing where love is the wish to flourish together with a flourishing partner for many years.

When personal flourishing is at the center of the romantic relationship and marriage, the geographical closeness to the partner becomes of less importance.

What is the romantic value of distant relationships?

“Relationship at a distance can do things for the heart that a closer, day-to-day companionship cannot.” Thomas Moore

“Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.” François de La Rochefoucauld

Some kind of distance, providing a greater personal space and enabling greater personal flourishing, can be advantageous for our personal relationship. Having said that, too much distance may harm the relationship.

We all need to find the right balance of freedom to be ourself, and connectedness with our partner, and we don’t have to live a physical distance away from our partner to experience this. It may just be that we both make the time to do our own thing, while still living in the same house.

So that when we come back together, we have something new to bring back to our partner, bringing a freshness that often isn’t there when you spend almost all your time together.

It your relationship has got the blahs or your bored with too much togetherness, give us a ring and book in for a relationship counselling session and we can help you get the spark back again.

More on 4 steps to heal your relationship in our next blog.

Warmest regards

Julie

The 5 Levels of Intimacy: Which level do you communicate on?

Posted on January 16, 2014

In modern day relationships intimacy is the name of the game. But what exactly does intimacy mean? Barbara Wilson has identified that there are actually 5 levels of intimacy, that we move through as we get to know a new partner or friend.

The Five Levels of Intimacy

Level One: Safe Communication

Level one is the initial and lowest level of communication. It is considered safe because it really just involves the exchange of facts and information. There are no feelings, opinions or personal vulnerability involved, and therefore no risk of rejection.

This is the kind of interaction we have with people we don’t know very well. It’s the chat we have with the supermarket checkout girl. People communicating at this level share minimal intimacy. An example of this level would be, “Looks like it’s going to rain”” This is great Indian”

Level Two: Sharing Other peoples’ Opinions and Beliefs

At level two we begin to share other people’s thoughts, beliefs and opinions. We are beginning to reveal more of ourselves through our associations. We say things like, “My mother always says…” or “One of my favorite authors said…” Such statements test the other person’s reaction to what we’re sharing without offering our own opinions. This is slightly more vulnerable than level one, but because we’re not sharing our own opinions we can distance ourselves from the opinion if we feel threatened by criticism or rejection.

Level Three: Personal Opinions and Beliefs

We start taking small risks at this level because we begin to share our own thoughts, opinions and beliefs. But like the previous level, if we begin feeling too vulnerable, we can say we’ve switched our opinions or changed our mind in order to avoid conflict or pain.

Level Four: My Feelings and Experiences

Sharing feelings and experiences is the next level of vulnerability and intimacy. At this level we talk about our joys, pain, and failures; our mistakes in the past, our dreams, and our goals. What we like or don’t like. What makes us who we are. This level is more vulnerable because we can’t change how we feel about something, the details of our past or current experiences. If we sense we may be rejected or criticized all we can do is try to convince others that we’re no longer impacted by our past. We’re no longer that person. We’re different now.

Level Five: My Needs, Emotions and Desires

Level five is the highest level of intimacy. It is the level where we are known at the deepest core of who we are. Because of that, it is the level that requires the greatest amount of trust. If I can’t trust that you won’t reject me, I’ll never be able to share my deepest self with you. Unlike the other levels, there is no escape at this level.

Once I let someone see who I really am, I can no longer convince them otherwise. Communicating at this level means we offer someone the most vulnerable part of ourselves. And the greatest fear is that they could use it against us later. When we share things like, “I’m hurt when you don’t call,” I need to feel respected by you,” or “I want to spend my life with you,” we’re sharing not only our hurts but our desires and needs as well.

It’s also the level where we let others see our emotional reaction to things, which if you’re like me, isn’t always a pretty sight. Maybe that’s why we save those for the ones closest to us, like our families.

True Intimacy

It’s important to understand that true intimacy in a relationship happens over time…not in a day, week or even a month. Think of your best friend…how long did it take before you felt at the highest level of intimacy with them, where you were able to trust them completely, or share your deepest self? It’s the same in romantic relationships…true intimacy develops over time.

But another important element is needed for true intimacy…both people in the relationship need to move through the levels together. If I’m sharing at level four with someone (feelings and experiences) but my partner is sharing at level three (opinions and beliefs) we’re not experiencing true intimacy. I may feel closer because I’m sharing at a higher level, but in reality what we have is a false sense of intimacy.

In truth, intimacy is measured by the person with the lower level of vulnerability.

Sex can be a False Sense of Intimacy

Level 5 is the healthiest, safest and most intimate place to have sex. When we feel loved unconditionally, and have the highest level of trust, we’ll be able to give ourselves completely to each other, increasing intimacy and the enjoyment of sex.

We can have sex at the other levels, but without that same level of trust the vulnerability of sex may be associated with anxiety, fear and distrust.

For further help with intimacy and communication, please see our relationship counselling services.

More on balancing intimacy and closeness with individuality in our next blog.

Warmest regards

Julie

If you are in Sydney and are experiencing intimacy problems, check out our team of Sydney Relationship Psychologists.

Beautiful Advice from a Divorced man after 16 years of marriage

Posted on January 16, 2014

If you haven’t yet read Gerald Rogers advice last August on what he has learned about the important things in marriage after 16 years of marriage and a divorce, it is worth reading.

Something similar could be written for women also.

My advice after a divorce following 16 years of marriage, by Gerald Rogers.

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

Relationship counselling can help save your marriage from a painful divorce. Click here for more information on our relationship and marriage counselling services.

More on the 5 levels of intimacy that are essential for a happy relationship on our next blog.

Warmest regards

Julie