February 11, 2014
I felt his right hand behind my head pulling me towards his face.
I felt his warm breath on my mouth as he opened his mouth to kiss me.
I remember closing my eyes and feeling totally engulfed by him, as our lips separated and met again several times, each time with more passion.
So what happened?
Why did it change from a long passionate open mouthed kiss that you shared in the early days to a quick peck on the lips or cheek?
The answer is that in the beginning, you saw each other as lovers, but as the years passed, you became so involved in all the normal responsibilities of life that you forgot to take time for each other.
You forgot how to be lovers and stay lovers.
Ellen Kreidman has spent her life showing couples how to revive their relationships and turn them into a lifetime romance.
Here's some suggestions she makes on how to feel like lovers again:
Engaging in a 10 second kiss each day declare you are lovers, not just flatmates. It helps you stay connected. Even though you may tell your mate you love them, giving them a 10 second kiss tells them "I'm still in love with you".
The 10 second kiss every day has a more immediate and dramatic effect on a relationship than anything else you could do. Given in the morning, it sets the tone for the rest of the day. Given early in the evening, it sets the mood for the rest of the night.
NO matter what time of day you kiss, you'll feel warm , close and connected. It doesn't even matter whether you feel like kissing each other or not, the result of the 10 second kiss is the same. Try it out!
We fall in love with someone because of the way we feel about ourselves when we are with them.
So to attract and keep a mate who is hopelessly and passionately in love with you, you must help your partner feel good about himself or herself. A man or a woman who receives criticism instead of compliments will often let their eyes wander until they lock onto someone new - someone who makes them feel good about themselves.
It only takes 5 seconds to show how much you appreciate your partner's day and make his/her day. Even the busiest, most preoccupied person, or self absorbed person can take 5 seconds our of their day to make their make feel special.
Once you start giving your mate a 5 second compliment, it will quickly become a habit, and you'll become really good at it, and you will find that your really enjoy the results.
Are you both too busy with family, work and life that you never take time to just talk to each other? I see this all the time with couples who come to my couple counselling sessions.
A relationship is only as deep as it's level of communication. Unless you can share your deepest fears, pain, hopes and dreams as a couple, your communication will remain on the surface. Most people say they would like to communicate more deeply with their mates. They are willing, but who's got the time?
Making the time for 30 minute talk each night can literally save you relationship. It's important to use this time to talk not only about surface things, but about how you are feeling and thinking about things. make sure you each have time to talk.
When you feel emotions about something that is becoming a problem, talk about it as soon as you start to feel the feelings.
The following simple format can make it easier:
Step 1. Describe the situation
Step 2. Descibe how the situation makes you feel
Step 3. Ask for what you want , positively
Step 4. Stop talking and give your mate a chance to respond
And when you are the listener:
1. Give your mate your full attention by looking at him/her
2. Don't interrupt your mate except to ask questions in order to better understand what he or she is saying.
3. Repeat back to your mate what you think he or she is saying, trying to be as empathetic as you can
4. Don't judge, criticise, or minimise your mate's problem.
From the moment we are born to our dying days, we crave being touched.
It doesn't matter how far apart you may have grown in your relationship, you can probably recall a time when your mate's touch comforted you, calmed you or sexually excited you.
Even a simple touch can reduce our heart rates and lower our blood pressure. Touch also stimulates endorphins, the body's own natural pain suppressors.
You can bring back this level of touch tenderness very easily. Here's some ideas of how:
- Rub your feet against your mate's leg as you lie next to each other in bed.
- Touch your mate's shoulder while he or she is reading
- Hug your mate when he or she is doing the dishes or cooking
- Hold hands while your waling or driving
- Lay your head in your partner's lap while they are watching TV
- Play footsie with your mate under the table when you're out at a restaurant.
- Connecting while during a ride in an empty lift.
- Learn to dance and just dance for fun without knowing any steps at all.
- Of all the ways to touch, HUGGING is probably the top choice. Hug your partner often
5. The 60 minute seduction
You can pick them out of a crowd. They have energy and zip - a little extra bounce in their step. They touch frequently, exchange loving looks, laugh at each other's jokes. Who are they? A couple with a good sex life.
There are many kinds of sexual connection possible between mates. There's the passionate, purely physical release of sexual connection. There's the highly erotic quickie. There's the duty kind of sex, and there's the sexual connection that everyone wants and seldom gets, - the 60 minute seduction.
This is the kind of sex you plan for, anticipate, prepare for. You linger over it, and after it's over you savour it for hours, days or weeks.
The 60 minute seduction is an opportunity for you to let your partner know how much they are loved by giving them pleasure and letting them pleasure you in all the ways you desire.
Coupe who connect deeply daily with a hug, a kiss, and deep communication will naturally want to continue this level of intimacy in the bedroom.
Most couples simply accept the fact that sex with the same partner will probably become boring and routine over time, but that certainly doesn't have to be the case.
Here's some helpful hints on how to get back the sizzle:
- Make your bed and bedroom feel like a boudoir rather than a junk pile or mess
- Have a date night every week and schedule in time for lovemaking
- Let you mate know in advance that you'd like to make love so he/she can also get in the mood
- Talk to each other while making love, giving lots of compliments, as well as after lovemaking, making sure you are talking words of love as well as sexy turn-ons.
- Immerse yourself in your partner's essence, using all your senses. Enjoy the feel of her soft curves or his hard muscles. Savour the scent of his/her body or the fragrance of her perfume.
6. The 3 minute quickie
Sex doesn't always have to be orchestrated or anticipated to be good.
Sometimes just a few moments stolen out of a hectic routine of daily life can make a couple feel close.
When your relationship is good and you have an otherwise fulfilling and satisfying sex life, having a "quickie" can be lustfully fun.
Those times can have an added intensity that increases the pleasure of a quick embrace enough to make it worth the risk of being interrupted.
So, add in some spontaneous fun sometimes.
As adults we often become very serious and heavy-natured in our efforts to control what goes on around us. Sharing the joy of laughter can strengthen and deepen your relationship. See if you can incorporate fun and laughter into your relationship on a daily basis.
Whether you are alone or with your mate, look for reasons to laugh.
Laugh at yourself. Remember life is not as serious as we make it out to be. Make light of your shortcomings. We all have them. Play with your mate. Play games, playact, enjoy the freedom of acting silly and knowing that no-one will tell you to grow up.
More on the FIFO and DIDO lifestyle and your relationship in our next blog.