How do I contribute to our relationship problem?

Your Enneagram Profile

If you really want to look in depth at why the two of you have the unique relationship and problems that you have, look no further than the Enneagram.

One of the most helpful ways to discover yourself and just as importantly, how you contribute to your relationship problems, is to look at your Enneagram profile.

What is the Enneagram?

The modern Enneagram is based on ancient Eastern wisdom combined with modern Psychological thought. There are 9 Personality types each with different patterns of thinking, feeling and acting. Each style has its own natural gifts, limitations, and blind spots.

When you know your Enneagram number, you can then be aware of the unconscious assumptions that drive the way you see yourself, do your work, and relate in your relationships.

And you can also understand why your partner seems to act in the bizarre, inconsiderate, intrusive, self-interested, seductive or charming ways that he or she does.

Enneagram relationship counselling

Once you know how he or she see things from the inside out, you can see why they do the things they do which makes perfect sense to them.

There are no types that are better than any other. Each is effective in their own way, but from a very different point of view.

  • Ones want to make things right.
  • Twos need to be of help.
  • Threes are driven to succeed.
  • Fours yearn to be special.
  • Fives want to be left alone to think.
  • Sixes seek safety and support.
  • Sevens are connoisseurs of life’s pleasures.
  • Eights are driven to dominate others.
  • Nines don’t want to make waves.

Ones. The Perfectionist

You are reliable, fair and honest. You earn love by being perfect and worry about getting it right. You seem right to be measuring up to the highest standards. Your thinking centre’s around what you “should” be doing. It feels honourable to dedicate yourself to doing good. You can’t help noticing when standards slip. You feel compelled to fix it. You very conscientiously monitor your own self actions. In self defence, you can feel morally superior by finding fault with others.

Ones in a relationship can contribute by being critical, judgemental, inflexible, argumentative, having too high standards, being uncompromising and overly serious.

Ones are helped by partners who accept differences of opinion, who soften the One Right Way thinking, and who bring pleasure to a relationship.

Twos. The Giver

You are loving, warm and generous. You are always focusing on other people, their wants, needs and potentials. You spend your life pleasing and supporting others and managing their lives. Your own needs are not important, you give to others and hope that they will care about you when you are in need. Other’s needs broadcast so loudly, that you find yourself moulding to please. Wanting approval, an association forms in which you become indispensable. You feel proud that you are so helpful.

Twos in a relationship can contribute by being overly accommodating, possessive, martyr-like, manipulative, insincere and hysterical.

Twos are helped by partners who are not seduced by your adaption, who love you separately from what you give, and who can see you through the crisis of having to stand alone and discover your own needs.

Threes. The Performer

You are energetic, industrious and practical. You win love through your achievement and your image. It is very important to be high profile and high powered at work. You are sensitive to status. You want to be first, to lead, and to be seen. You like to impress people. Work is the area of interest; your feelings are suspended while the job gets done. You believe people in love should look happy and productive, love shouldn’t be overwhelming or sad.

Threes in a relationship can contribute by being self centred, vain, superficial, overly competitive, deceptive and defensive.

Threes are helped by partners who love them for who they are rather than what they produce, or the image they project to the world.

Fours. The Romantic

relationship romantic

You are perceptive, expressive and individualistic. You feel a lifelong searching for a heart connection. You know all about attraction, hate, high drama and pain. You like an elegant lifestyle and to dress distinctively and uniquely. You often feel you are searching for love at a distance, then can feel disappointed when love is near at hand. We had it once. Where did it go? Emotional highs and lows are part of your life. You can feel deprived when you see others enjoy the happiness that you long for.

Fours in a relationship can contribute by being temperamental, self absorbed, emotionally needy, snobbish, depressed, and self indulgent.

Fours are helped by partners who can see the good in the here and now and who can stand fast during the intense emotional tides.

Fives. The Observer.

You are objective, calm and insightful. Your home is your castle where you like to withdraw to. You need low visibility, controlled contact with people, and uninterrupted private time. Your mind is your best companion and is also a refuge that is totally safe from invasion. Your needs are few as are your expectations of others. You detach from love and stay well away from any charged emotions in yourself or others.

Fives in a relationship can contribute by being contentious, arrogant, stingy, withdrawn, stubborn, withholding and alienated.

Fives are helped by partners who can make self disclosure safe, who can point out over-intellectualization and who respect your need for privacy time and space.

Sixes. The Trooper.

You are alert, witty and loyal. You question love and a rosy future. You are afraid to believe in love and be betrayed. You tend to be always wary, to question authority and to look for what others “really mean”. Your habit is to sceptical and cautious, and to look for hidden intentions. You are primed for opposition and doubtful of others support. When you’re flooded by apprehension, you go into thinking mode rather than doing. You can grow by regaining faith in people and learning to trust.

Sixes in a relationship can contribute by being anxious, paranoid, rigid, testy, suspicious, hypervigilant and cruel.

Sixes are helped by partners who offer reassurance, who remain steadfast when the future looks doubtful, and who are consistently fair in their dealings.

Sevens. The Epicure.

enneagram 7 relationship counselling

You are enthusiastic, fun-loving and spontaneous. Your life is an adventure and you are optimistic about it. Your world is full of options and ideas and plans to make the future bright. Everything’s alright when you’re looking ahead to a good time. Life’s OK when the energy starts to run.

Your life is like a banquet of experience, stuffing the weekly schedule and filling the mind with plans. Disappointments barely surface, suddenly there’s a whole new idea. You feel buoyed by a sense of personal worth and follow your interests. You don’t need to touch on the painful aspects of life.

Sevens in a relationship can contribute by being self centred, impulsive, rebellious, manic, restless, distractible and unreliable.

Sevens are helped by partners who encourage you to stay rather than move on to the next project and who can encourage you to touch on and deal with your pain.

Eights. The Boss.

You are energetic, brave and direct. You express your love through protection of your loved ones and respect for others is earned by power. You set the rules. A battle mentality is your normal mode. You know what you stand for, you know who stands against you, and you protect your position. You have a full bore approach to life. The energy switch is either on or off. When life is interesting, the energy comes on. You’re fully into it and you want to be in there first. You don’t often notice that others get stood on or forgotten.

Eights in a relationship can contribute by being insensitive, domineering, overly aggressive, combative, uncompromising and self centred.

Eights are helped by partners who stick to their own version of the truth, who hold ground under fire and who encourage you to allow the gentler and more sensitive parts of you to emerge.

Nines. The Mediator.

You are accepting, gentle and receptive. You tend to merge with your partner, losing your boundaries. You are so easy going, you forget your own priorities. You can take on another’s life as your own. There can be lots of energy for your partner’s agendas. You don’t feel you can say “No” to others but will get stubborn rather than get openly angry. You can relate to all sides of an argument, so it’s easy to forget your own agenda. It is so difficult to make decisions when you can see the benefits of all the options. You get sidetracked to incidental chores rather than do what’s important.

Nines in a relationship can contribute by being apathetic, stubborn, unassertive, spaced out, forgetful and overly accommodating.

Nines can be helped by partners who encourage you to have separate goals and to choose for yourself, and also support you to see your goals through to completion.

This is just a very small taste of what the Enneagram can show you about yourself, your partner and the dynamics in your relationship. If you would like to learn more about yourselves and each other, and why you have the unique relationship and problems you have,  call us.

Julie Hart

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