Everything You Need to Know About Cassandra Syndrome as a Neurodivergent Couple

Navigating a neurodivergent relationship can bring unique challenges. Whether you or your partner are neurodivergent, you’ve probably already noticed that your relationship requires understanding, patience, and a willingness to work together, more so than a neurotypical relationship.

One significant but often overlooked challenge in neurodiverse relationships is Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder (CADD), also known as Cassandra Syndrome. This condition, which primarily affects partners of individuals on the autism spectrum, can lead to emotional and mental distress if not acknowledged and managed.

In this blog post, we’ll explore CADD, its signs and symptoms, how to address it with your partner, and three practical actions you can implement to help you manage CADD.

What is Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder?

Coined by Maxine Aston, CADD describes a specific type of emotional and psychological distress experienced by partners of individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). 

The name draws from the myth of Cassandra, who was cursed to utter true prophecies that no one believed. Similarly, those with CADD often feel misunderstood and unheard, leading to feelings of isolation and frustration within the relationship.

CADD arises when the neurotypical partner feels that their emotional needs are unmet or misunderstood, leading to a sense of emotional deprivation. This is usually the result of the way individuals with ASD may struggle with recognising and responding to the emotional cues of others despite not having any intention to cause harm or neglect.

Signs and Symptoms of CASSANDRA Affective Deprivation Disorder

CADD can manifest in various ways, affecting your emotional, mental, and physical health. Here’s a quick overview of some of the symptoms and how they might show up across different areas of your health:

Emotional Health

• Extreme disappointment with the relationship: Feeling disappointed or disillusioned with your partner or relationship dynamics.
• Confusion: Struggling to understand why your emotional needs are unmet or misunderstood.
• Anger and guilt: Experiencing frustration towards your partner and guilt for feeling this way.
• Low self-esteem: Doubting your worth or attractiveness.
• Loss of self-identity: Feeling lost or unsure about yourself.
• Loss of faith in oneself: Doubting your perceptions and emotions.

Mental Health

• Anger and frustration: Frequent feelings of irritation or resentment.
• Listlessness and depression: A lack of energy or interest in activities, coupled with feelings of sadness.
• Anxiety: Persistent worry or fear, often about your relationship or personal adequacy.
• Phobias or social phobias: Developing fears, particularly in social situations.
• Developing Asperger’s ways: Adopting traits or behaviours of the partner with ASD.

Physical Health

• Migraines: Frequent, severe headaches.
• Weight changes: Significant loss or gain in weight.
• Premenstrual tension: Heightened emotional and physical symptoms before menstruation.
• Low immune system: Increased susceptibility to illnesses.

Ready to get help with CADD now? Reach out, and let’s get you the support you need.

How to Address CASSANDRA Affective Deprivation Disorder with Your Partner

If you suspect you are experiencing CADD, it’s essential to communicate with your partner constructively. When we already feel like our emotional needs aren’t being met, it’s easy to fall into the trap of assuming intent or hyper-focusing on the negatives in our relationships. 

Taking a step back and getting proactive about how you work on and address CADD as a couple can make a significant difference. Remember to see the issue as the thing you need to work on together – it’s not you versus your partner.

Here are some steps to consider:

1. Educate Your Partner: Share information about CADD and how it affects you. Use resources like articles, books, or therapy sessions to help them understand your perspective. It’s essential to stay open, curious and non-judgemental as you do this. See this approach as a way to learn and share thoughts rather than you ‘teaching’ them.
2. Express Your Needs Clearly: Be specific about what you need from your partner, whether it’s more emotional support, understanding, or shared activities. Individuals with ASD often respond well to clear communication, so it’s important not to leave them guessing about what would work better for them in the relationship.
3. Seek Professional Help: Consider couples therapy, particularly with a therapist experienced in neurodivergent relationships. Therapy can provide a safe space to express feelings and develop strategies to improve communication. Managing CADD can be an exhausting experience, so this extra support can help alleviate some of these challenges and provide you with a good structure to follow as a couple.

3 Practical Actions to Take Today

Something worth reminding ourselves when we’re looking to make any change in our relationships is that these things can take time. It’s important not to expect our partners to be perfect as they take on what you’ve shared and try to show up differently.

While working on things together or with a therapist, you can do other practical things to support your emotional and mental health. Here are three to consider:

1. Journal Your Thoughts and Feelings: Writing down your emotions can help you process them and prepare for discussions with your partner. Journaling is a great way to reflect on what was said, how it made you feel and identify any triggers. This record can be beneficial for neurodivergent partners who might respond well to specific examples of the things you want to work on together.
2. Establish Regular Check-Ins: Set aside time each week to discuss your feelings and address concerns. This helps keep communication open and ongoing. Setting discussions up as part of routine ‘relationship care’ can benefit you and your partner as you know you will discuss things. Neurodivergent partners tend to respond well to knowing this time is set aside rather than being caught off guard.
3. Focus on Self-Care: Prioritise your well-being by engaging in activities that you find relaxing and rejuvenating. This could include exercise, meditation, hobbies, or spending time with supportive friends and family. We often get caught up in the idea that our partners must meet all our needs, but this isn’t the case. By looking after yourself in other ways, you can identify where your partner adds the most value in your life and prioritise ways to maximise that as a couple.

Remember: You Are Not Alone

CADD can be a challenging aspect of neurodivergent relationships, but it’s important to remember that you’re not alone. 

Many couples navigate similar challenges, and with understanding and effort, it’s possible to strengthen your relationship and find mutual satisfaction. 

You and your partner can work towards a more fulfilling connection by recognising the signs of CADD, communicating openly, and taking practical steps. 

 

Find the right support for you: Speak to one of our specialist therapists today.