How to Overcome Neurodiverse Differences in Your Relationship

When you and your partner are experiencing relationship struggles, it often feels like you’re the only ones going through it. Whether it’s constant bickering or something more, it’s always worth pointing out that every relationship experiences ups and downs.

Whatever relationship difficulties you’re facing, there’s a wealth of tools and resources at your disposal. Many couples find it helpful to explore articles and advice online, gaining fresh insights and tips they can apply in their own relationship.

 

But what if these tips don’t work?

Maybe you’ve tried communicating differently, getting vulnerable, or switching up some of those black-and-white statements for ‘I feel’ statements – but it hasn’t exactly gone how you hoped.

This might be because the advice you’ve tried was developed for neurotypical couples. If you or your partner are neurodivergent, the same advice might not quite work in the same ways.

The good news is once you know this, you can start looking for the right advice and relationship counselling that works for you.

Below, we share more on how neurodiversity can impact relationship difficulties and provide some guidance to help you get back on track with your love.

How Can Being Neurodiverse Contribute to Relationship Difficulties?

Neurodiversity introduces a variety of dynamics into a relationship that can enrich and challenge your partnership.

We’re using the term ‘neurodiversity’ here to encompass a broad range of neurological differences that arise as natural cognitive variations. This includes Autism Spectrum Disorder and Asperger’s, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and many others. 

Communication styles, navigating social cues, and expressing emotions can sometimes be more complex for neurodiverse individuals. 

Without acknowledging these differences, you and your partner might become trapped in a cycle of arguing, stonewalling, nagging, nitpicking and even resentment. 

Below are some ways neurodiversity might show up in your relationship and contribute to difficulties. Some of these might sound familiar, and others might not be relevant – we’ve included this to help you understand and hopefully start identifying some of the areas you and your partner can work on in your own unique relationship:

• Social Interactions: A neurodiverse partner who finds it overwhelming to attend social gatherings while their neurotypical partner thrives in such environments can lead to tension or feelings of isolation for both partners.
• Communication Styles: A neurodiverse partner may struggle with non-verbal communication cues, such as facial expressions or body language, essential for neurotypical partners to interpret emotions. For instance, during a serious conversation, the neurotypical partner might expect visual cues of empathy or understanding that the neurodiverse partner does not naturally display. This mismatch can lead the neurotypical partner to feel unheard or disconnected, even if the neurodiverse partner genuinely cares but expresses it differently.
• Routines and Flexibility: Neurodiverse individuals often find comfort and stability in routines. For example, a neurodiverse partner may prefer predictable meal times and specific activities at certain times of the day. In contrast, their neurotypical partner might enjoy spontaneity and flexibility with plans. These differences can cause friction when the neurotypical partner feels constrained by the neurodiverse partner’s need for structure.
• Conflict Resolution Styles: Neurodiverse and neurotypical partners may approach conflict resolution differently due to their unique communication styles and emotional responses. For instance, during an argument, a neurodiverse partner might need time to process their emotions or thoughts before responding, which can be interpreted by their neurotypical partner as avoidance or indifference. Conversely, the neurodiverse partner might feel overwhelmed or pressured by the neurotypical partner’s need for immediate resolution, which can intensify their emotional response. Differences in conflict resolution styles can lead to misunderstandings and escalation of tensions.

Understanding and openly discussing these dynamics can help both partners navigate these challenges with empathy and patience. It’s about recognising that these differences exist, respecting each other’s needs, and finding creative ways to bridge any gaps in understanding. 

What Should You Do if You or Your Partner is Neurodiverse to Overcome Relationship Difficulties?

Just as there are many positive steps neurotypical couples can take to improve their relationship, the same is true for neurodivergent couples. It’s all about understanding where you’re having the most difficulties and seeking the right support that will aid you and your partner.

Here are a few you can act on:

Open and Honest Communication

As mentioned, communication differences are common in most relationships, but they might be exacerbated if you or your partner are neurodivergent. Patience, empathy and understanding are vital to finding a way towards better communication. For example, you can try:

• Expressing needs clearly: Take the time to learn how you can express your needs in ways that both partners can respond to positively.
• Practice active listening: It’s really common to want to jump in and explain or justify ourselves when our partners are sharing their thoughts or feelings. Instead, try to give each other space to talk, listen carefully, and get curious about what is being shared.
• Schedule time to communicate: Creating planned space in your week to talk about your relationship and feelings can work well for both neurotypical and neurodivergent partners, giving you both a chance to reflect, share, and connect.

Develop Coping Strategies

Neurodivergent individuals and their partners often benefit from developing coping strategies that accommodate their unique needs and differences. Here are some approaches to consider:

• Creating routines and flexibility that work for you both: Striking a balance between maintaining routines and embracing flexibility can help create stability while allowing for necessary adaptations. This balance supports predictability for neurodivergent individuals while acknowledging the need for occasional changes.
• Find common ground for conflict resolution: It’s essential to cultivate conflict resolution techniques that respect the diverse communication styles of both partners. Strategies could include taking breaks during heated discussions, using clear and concise language, and actively listening to understand each other’s perspectives.
• Sharing what emotional support looks like for each of you: This may include identifying specific needs for reassurance, validation, or space during times of emotional intensity. Understanding and respecting each other’s emotional boundaries can foster a supportive environment.

Seek Professional Guidance

Finally, it’s essential to know that you are not alone. There are many specialist support opportunities available to you, whether through couples therapy and relationship counselling, support groups, or individual therapy, to help you better understand yourself and your needs.

Engaging with a therapist specialising in neurodiverse relationships can provide tailored strategies and interventions for you and your partner. If you’re both feeling lost but committed to working things out, this can be a supportive and reassuring way to find solid ground in your relationship and build from there.

Joining support groups specifically for neurodiverse couples can offer valuable insights and encouragement. These groups provide a safe space to share experiences, learn from others facing similar challenges, and explore practical strategies for relationship enhancement.

You and your partner can build a stronger, more resilient relationship by actively working on these areas.

What if You or Your Partner Has Never Been Diagnosed?

Seeking a formal diagnosis for a neurodivergent condition like Autism, Asperger’s or ADHD can be lengthy, complex and expensive.

If you suspect that you or your partner may be neurodiverse but have never received a formal diagnosis, there are several steps you can take to develop your understanding and decide on the next best steps for your relationship:

Educate Yourself

• Read widely: Don’t just rely on social media content designed to make you like it and ‘see yourself’ in what’s shared. A lot of this information is misleading or false. Seek out reliable, high-quality information to grow your knowledge.
• Speak to others: Connect and learn from others who have been diagnosed about the process involved and how they knew it was worth exploring. This can help you decide if it’s the right path for you or your partner.

Explore Self-Assessment Tools

• Online Quizzes: Utilise online self-assessment tools to identify neurodiverse traits – plenty are available, and these can help you determine whether a more professional diagnosis would be beneficial.
• Reflect on Experiences: Consider past experiences and behaviours that align with neurodiverse characteristics. Use this information to aid your understanding of how neurodiversity might be showing up in your relationship.

Seek Professional Advice

• Consult Specialists: For relationship counselling and guidance, reach out to professionals who specialise in neurodiversity. While formal diagnosis isn’t necessary for everyone, it can provide clarity and access to resources.

Finding the Right Support

Being neurodivergent isn’t a ‘negative’, and experiencing difficulties because of the differences that might arise between you and your partner as a result of neurodivergent tendencies doesn’t mean your relationship won’t work out.

By extending acceptance and empathy, couples can find common ground, acknowledge strengths, and discover the right support to create a deeper, more loving, connected relationship.

If you’re ready to start exploring specialist support today, reach out to our dedicated team, who can help connect you with a knowledgeable therapist in neurodivergent relationship counselling.