Understanding the Gottman Four Horsemen: How to Improve Your Relationship
When it comes to relationships, recognising the behaviours that can either strengthen or weaken your bond is incredibly important.
Dr. John Gottman, a well-known psychologist and researcher, identified four negative communication patterns that often predict relationship problems. These are known as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” and while they might sound dramatic, understanding them can help you make positive changes in your relationship.
1. Criticism
What It Looks Like:
Criticism involves pointing out your partner’s flaws or attacking their character rather than addressing specific actions or behaviours. It often begins with statements like “You always” or “You never,” which can immediately put your partner on the defensive and make them feel attacked or unfairly judged.
Example: “You never help around the house. You’re so lazy.”
Why It’s Harmful:
Criticism can slowly erode the connection between partners, leading to a breakdown in communication and trust. Over time, it can create a negative cycle where both people feel defensive and emotionally distant, which isn’t healthy for any relationship. Repeated criticism can also lead to feelings of resentment and may even cause one or both partners to withdraw from the relationship.
What You Can Do Instead:
Instead of criticising, try to express your concerns or frustrations without blaming your partner. Use “I” statements to focus on your own feelings and needs, and address specific behaviours rather than making broad generalisations.
Better Approach: “I feel overwhelmed when the house is untidy after a long day. Can we work together to keep it cleaner?”
This approach not only helps to avoid blame but also opens up a space for a constructive conversation about how you can both contribute to a solution.
2. Contempt
What It Looks Like:
Contempt is when you treat your partner with disrespect, often through sarcasm, mocking, or name-calling. This behaviour suggests you view yourself as superior to your partner, which can be incredibly damaging to the relationship. Contempt can also be expressed through body language, such as eye-rolling or sneering, which can further alienate your partner.
Example: “Seriously? You can’t even manage to do this one simple thing? You’re hopeless.”
Why It’s Harmful:
Contempt is one of the most destructive forces in a relationship. It conveys disgust and a lack of respect, making your partner feel worthless, unvalued, and unloved. Research by Dr. Gottman has shown that contempt is one of the strongest predictors of divorce because it attacks the very foundation of a healthy relationship: mutual respect and love.
What You Can Do Instead:
To combat contempt, it’s important to foster a habit of appreciating and respecting your partner. Make a conscious effort to focus on their positive qualities and express gratitude for the things they do well. Building a culture of appreciation can help shift your mindset away from negativity and toward a more supportive and loving relationship.
Better Approach: “I really appreciate how hard you work and how much you care about our family. Thank you for everything you do.”
By regularly expressing appreciation, you reinforce the positive aspects of your relationship and reduce the likelihood of contempt creeping in.
3. Defensiveness
What It Looks Like:
Defensiveness usually occurs when you feel attacked or criticised. It’s a way of protecting yourself, but it often comes across as making excuses, shifting blame, or counterattacking your partner. While it’s a natural reaction, defensiveness can escalate conflicts and make it difficult to resolve issues effectively.
Example: “It’s not my fault the house is a mess. You’re the one who’s never home.”
Why It’s Harmful:
Defensiveness can prevent constructive communication and escalate conflicts, making it harder to resolve issues and move forward as a couple. When one partner is defensive, it can feel like they are not willing to take responsibility for their actions, which can lead to frustration and further conflict.
What You Can Do Instead:
Instead of getting defensive, try to take responsibility for your part in the situation, even if it’s just a small part. This approach can help de-escalate the conflict and open the door to a more productive and collaborative conversation. Acknowledging your role in a disagreement shows that you are committed to finding a solution together.
Better Approach: “You’re right; I could be better about tidying up. Let’s figure out a plan together.”
Taking responsibility, even in a small way, can help to defuse tension and make it easier for both of you to work towards a resolution.
4. Stonewalling
What It Looks Like:
Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws from the interaction, either physically or emotionally. It’s often a response to feeling overwhelmed or flooded with emotion, but it can come across as disinterest or disengagement. Stonewalling might look like refusing to talk, avoiding eye contact, or leaving the room during an argument.
Example: (Partner says nothing, crosses arms, and avoids eye contact.)
Why It’s Harmful:
When one partner stonewalls, it can make the other feel ignored and frustrated. This creates emotional distance in the relationship and can prevent important issues from being addressed. Over time, stonewalling can lead to a breakdown in communication and intimacy, making it harder to maintain a healthy relationship.
What You Can Do Instead:
If you feel the urge to shut down or withdraw, it’s important to let your partner know that you need a break to calm down. Taking some time to cool off can help you manage your emotions and approach the conversation with a clearer mind. It’s crucial to communicate that you will return to the discussion after a break, so your partner doesn’t feel abandoned.
Better Approach: “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need a break. Can we take 20 minutes and then talk again?”
Taking a break can prevent further escalation and allows both partners to regroup before continuing the conversation in a more productive manner.
Finding a Gottman-Trained Therapist
If you recognise any of these behaviours in your relationship, it’s important to address them sooner rather than later. The good news is that with awareness and effort, you can change these patterns and improve your relationship. Working with a Gottman-trained therapist can provide you with the tools and strategies to communicate more effectively, resolve conflicts, and build a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
If you have any questions or would like to learn more about Gottman Method therapy, we have a number of Gottman-trained therapists who can help – give us a call on 1300 830 552 or send an email enquiry to be matched with a therapist near you.