While you’re nursing your wounds, it’s important to keep in mind, children still regard their parents as role models. While it’s a painful time, it can also be a tremendous teaching opportunity for yourself and your children.
Below are 7 important things to do for your children when you divorce.
1. Avoid Blaming
While divorce can bring with it a lot of hurt and anger, it’s important not to outwardly place blame on your ex-partner in front of your kids. It’s vital to be honest with your kids, but without being critical of your spouse.
Children will always see their parents as role models, and it’s important to respect the importance of that. Blame and criticism in front of your children will only cause them to feel unsafe and confused. Be respectful of your spouse when giving the reasons for the separation.
2. Let your children express and experience their emotions
It’s important to keep in mind your children will experience a lot of emotions, ranging from anger, sadness, confusion, guilt, worry, sadness and more.
These emotions are natural and part of the process. Create a safe space for your children to feel and express any emotions that come up for them, and offer support and conversation when it’s needed.
Try to commit to actively listening to them, without judgement or defensiveness. Prepare to answer tough questions regarding new living arrangements and how often your children will get to see each parent.
Children often express their emotions through negative behaviour changes. Increasing instances of tantrums, fits, being difficult, having accidents or odd behaviours are all normal, it’s best to be patient with them, and take any opportunities to discuss how they’re feeling.
Focus on keeping communication lines open — no matter how difficult.
4. Give love and reassurance
Children are remarkably resilient and responsive to change when given the support and love they need. Your words, actions, and ability to remain consistent are all important tools to reassure your children of your unchanging love.
A general worry for children going through divorce is that they will no longer be loved by either parent. Help them by realising this fear, and make a daily effort to show them they are safe and loved, regardless of circumstances and changes.
5. Take Care of Yourself
Just as we’re instructed to first fit our own oxygen mask in case of an emergency, it’s important to take care of yourself during your separation, so you can be of support to your children when you’re needed.
Make sure to prioritize your own self care by having close friends or a Psychologist available to you, when you need to process through the emotions and changes that are occurring.
If you are able to be calm and emotionally present, your kids will feel more at ease.
Make sure not to use your children against your ex-spouse, even subtly. Remember, it’s more important that your children feel loved and supported by both parents, than it is to make your ex suffer.
Using your children as leverage or bait to exact revenge or control is more damaging to the kids long term, than it is to either parent.
Even in the nastiest of circumstances, always keep in mind: love your children more than you hate your ex.
7. Establish a cooperative co-parenting arrangement
Clear, two way communication with your spouse is paramount when agreeing on shared care and support arrangements. Be clear and open with your spouse about your wishes, and be considerate of their wishes in response.
Be practical and write down and sign all agreements you put in place, including details about child support, holidays, visitation and more. If your children are over 13, it can be important to discuss their wishes as well to incorporate in the agreement.
Keep in mind, both parents relationships with their children are important and the agreement should nurture this. Decide whether you need an informal agreement (written and signed), or a formal legal agreement, and ensure both parties have a copy (printed and digital), for easy reference later on if disagreements occur.
In summary, keep in mind to work as a Co-parent team to ensure your children get the support they need through this difficult time, and do your emotional processing of the break-up with the support of others – friends or your Psychologist, in order to take care of both yourself and your children.
The loss of love is no small matter for our tender hearts.
Whether it’s the gradual realisation that your partner isn’t really there for you in any real meaningful way, or the sudden rejection of hearing your partner say that they don’t want you any more, or worse still, discovering that they have already found a new sexual playmate, the severing of a love relationship can break us to the core.
Something has been broken, and it can feel more than just your heart. It may be your feeling of being safe in the world, your ability to make sense of your life, and your faith in love.
You can feel acute anxiety, an obsessive impulse to connect with your lost love, vigilant scanning and blind hope of catching a glimpse of them somewhere, burning anger and outrage at being betrayed, and the frightening impulse to lash out and hurt yourself or others, or an abyss of despair and the desire to curl up and die. And then you may also feel some disturbing physical symptoms: a fast heart rate, sleeplessness, lack of appetite or hypervigilance.
The most important thing you can do for yourself when you’re heartbroken
“You know when you come across one of those empty shell people and you think, what the hell happened to you?” (From the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun”)
Do you know people who are like this? Never quite the same again after a bad breakup. Never get their mojo back, never feel fully alive, living a half dead existence with no vitality.
Being turned off ever loving again, or deciding it’s better to just have one night stands with no commitment, or half relationships where they don’t have to give much, and don’t receive much either.
Many, many people never fully recover from a bad break-up, and are destined to live the rest of their lives as a depressed shadow of their former selves.
It is so sad to see so many people wasting away their lives like this. And mostly they do this because they don’t know that there is actually a proven way to fully recover from their heartbreak and get your spark back.
In fact, as outrageous as it may seem at the moment, be wiser and in even better shape emotionally and in every other way than you have ever been before.
I will show you how.
To fully recover and live a vital life again
Full recovery comes about by doing 2 things:
1. Firstly the most important thing you can do for yourself as you are going through your breakup is to feel all of your feelings fully.
2. The other thing is to learn from what this relationship breakup is showing you. (more about this in the next section)
Fully feeling all your feelings
The most important rule is to allow yourself to feel all the feelings that are coming up for you, no matter how awful they feel.
Give yourself some time every day – an hour a day to start with, and after a month or so, a half an hour a day. To just sit somewhere comfortable and feel what you are feeling.
It can help to write these down in a journal, or share them with a friend who listens and supports you, and it can also be very helpful to find a Psychologist who specialises in relationships to share these with.
Time does not heal all wounds. If it did, there would be no unresolved grief, and no hurt from long ago that still upsets you from time to time.
When you don’t feel your painful feelings
Pain that is not faced and felt, DOES NOT GO AWAY. It stays inside and festers and grows, making each successive loss harder and harder to cope with.
So then your life becomes less trusting, less loving and compassionate, less hopeful, and narrower across the board.
You become afraid of being hurt, you feel less inclined to get close to people, or you could get close for a while, and then get frightened and run away, or you assume the worst in people and start behaving toward them as if it were true, or create arguments that don’t need to be had.
Where most people go wrong
Because it feels initially difficult to “go there” and actually feel your feelings, many people successfully avoid or numb many of them by downing a bottle of wine (or any alcohol), eating to excess, chain smoking or working non-stop hours.
Other forms of self-medicating are continual shopping sprees, watching endless TV, spending all your spare time on internet games or porn.
So be gentle with yourself and give yourself the biggest gift you could possibly imagine, by feeling all your feelings, through each of your 3 phases of grieving. (see next blog for the 3 stages of grieving when a relationship ends)
Your next full vibrant life with all manner of new possibilities is depending on it.
Whether you are the one who has made the decision to end your relationship, or are the one on the receiving end of your partner telling you they no longer want to be with you, the ending of a relationship really hurts.
If you are the one who has come to the end of your tether and can’t go on any more, your grieving will have started well before you end the relationship.
For your partner, their grieving may not start until after the “ending conversation” and subsequent separating.
Susan Elliott has grouped the usual stages of grieving into 3 phases of grief specifically for when a relationship ends which can help you more easily understand what you are currently going through.
The 3 phases usually don’t follow a straight line though. You will find yourself slipping back and forward between these, and will also probably cycle a few times through them before coming out the other end, by which time you will find you have come to a fuller acceptance of what has happened and have emotionally detached from your ex-partner.
The most important thing to remember is to be gentle with yourself during this grieving time, and give yourself plenty of time to feel all of your feelings, sharing them with a trusted friend, writing about them in a journal, or talking with a Psychologist specialising in relationships.
What not to do
Too many people mistakenly think it’s best to keep themselves busy, by throwing themselves into work, drinking more, shopping till you drop, or any other kind of distraction. But this only prolongs your misery. Emotions not felt and processed stagnate in your system, keeping you tethered to the trauma and not being able to move on.
Stage 1 – Shock and Disbelief
Shock
If you are the one that didn’t see it coming, you can feel like you’ve been punched in the guts and be in shock for quite a while. It can feel like you are now in a void which makes you feel lost and alone with no solid ground.
Sometimes in shock, your mind just wants to shut down and not feel the reality of it all for a while, but soon this lifts and a flush of other emotions emerge.
After all, you have lost all the time, energy and emotion you have put into the relationship. You have lost all your hopes and dreams for a happy shared future together. You are now without your identity as a couple and your ability to do all your usual couple things together, as well as often having lost some mutual friends or family members.
Hurt and rejected
If you are the one that has been left, you will usually feel hurt and rejected, and maybe humiliated and embarrassed, and then sometimes back to numbness again.
Try not to shut down these feelings. Even though they initially feel hard to sit with, once you get started, it becomes easier to be with, and the more you are with them, the shorter time it takes to work through them. Remember to be gentle with yourself while doing this.
At this stage you might talk yourself into thinking that the relationship separation is only temporary and that down the track you will get back together again. But this too can be a trap, as it keeps you stuck in playing the waiting game and not fully grieving the loss.
So, unless you have both explicitly talked about the possibility of reconciliation, it is far safer to proceed with your emotional letting go process.
Stage 2 – Great emotion, review and relinquishment
Devastation
Once the shock wears off, you are usually left with the big emotions of grief and devastation. If it has ended because your partner has been unfaithful or lied or abused you in some way, it is even more devastating for you. You may feel worse than you have ever felt before in your life.
The pain of heartbreak can come in unpredictable spasms and can feel surreal while you are experiencing it, as you disconnect from everyone else and find even the smallest of tasks difficult.
There may be really difficult periods here, but thankfully your grief won’t last forever.
Rumination
It is normal for you to ruminate endlessly about your relationship and your ex-partner at this stage and this is actually healthy for your healing. Your mind can switch to overdrive, randomly remembering both the good and the bad times and trying to make sense of it.
Disorganised and confused
You may feel disorganised and confused which is also very normal, and may be unable to sleep, or alternatively sleep too much, and you may also lose your appetite. You may feel mentally scattered and overwhelmed.
At this stage give yourself permission to fall apart. If your memory is suffering, don’t give yourself a hard time about it. Be gentle with yourself. You are grieving and it’s time to be kind to yourself.
Anger and rage
You may also start to feel anger and even rage, and this is very appropriate for you to feel, as something has been taken away from you. It’s very important to know how to handle your anger though.
Suppressing it is not healthy. I am sure you will know people who are almost always in a bad mood, or irritated all the time. This is what happens to those who try to suppress their genuine anger in their life.
Neither is acting out and lashing out a healthy option.
The best way to handle your angry feelings is to express them in ways that get it out, but don’t harm others, like writing in your journal, sharing with a friend or Psychologist (link), thrashing into a pillow, or having a “conscious rant” where you spend a few minutes in private yelling your anger out.
Guilt
Guilt is also a normal part of the grieving process. No matter how well you might have behaved in your relationship, none of us are perfect and there will be things you remember that you think you might have been able to do better. Be careful though to accept what has been done. We can’t go back and change the past.
However, if you are realising that there are things you could have done better, perhaps you could apologise to your ex-partner, which usually helps the healing process for both of you.
Anxiety
Often the feeling of being in a void now that many of your normal supports and structures have disappeared or changed can have you feeling anxious about what may become of you. Where is my safe place? How will I get through this? What will I do next?
You can help manage your anxiety by some self- soothing activities, like creating a sanctuary in your bedroom or lounge using candle light and relaxing music to help settle you, and continue allowing you to feel your feelings, and try and keep open to what new things may now be available to you that you never contemplated before.
It is very true that when one door closes, another one opens. You may not be able to see any other doors just yet, but be aware that being in a void does allow you many options for the future.
Ambivalence
It is very normal to have a mixture of any feelings, or even none, at any one time. Don’t worry about going crazy if your feelings are all over the place. Just be kind to yourself and be in allowance of what is there, or is not there for you at any particular time.
Pining and searching
Because when we lose something, our mind automatically goes looking for it, you can find yourself pining and searching for your lost love, and you can find that you often want them back when you are feeling the weakest. This is extremely uncomfortable when you are going through it, with often strong urges to contact your former partner.
While the urge is very natural for you to have, it is definitely not a good idea to contact them when this urge comes over you. This is a low point in your grieving process and you don’t want to be showing yourself at your weakest point, as there will be no good that comes from contact at this time. Instead try writing in your journal, perhaps even write a letter to your ex, but don’t send it, call a friend or talk to your Psychologist.
Generally
Emotionally, you will have good days and bad days. Some days you won’t feel like getting out of bed, and others you might be strangely detached from everyone. You may start to feel better, then find something will trigger you into another bout of sadness and/or anger.
Be positive
Try as much a humanly possible to find something positive at the end of every day, even if it is reminding yourself that you are one day closer to being healed. So remember to write a positive note in your journal or share something positive with someone you love.
If you are getting depressed
All of the above emotions are a very natural part of the grieving and healing process, and can feel severe and debilitating for days.
If you are doing your grief work you may need to take a couple of mental health days off work for yourself, but if you are having trouble functioning for weeks, then you need to reach out to a Psychologist.
If you have suffered more than this loss, and haven’t had the opportunity to do the grieving work before, this may create a proneness to depression.
Everyone going through a break-up can benefit from seeing a Psychologist, but if you have plunged into a deep depression, or are having suicidal thoughts, then get help immediately. It is okay to ask for help, especially when you are in emotional pain.
Stage 3 – Acceptance, integration and reorganisation
Acceptance
Once you have lived through the painful feelings, you will then feel a glimpse of acceptance and this is a turning point in your healing process.
You will not really be happy yet, but will understand what has happened and accept that things cannot be changed, and will have the beginning of some peace about it.
While you still might cycle through the difficult feelings again, even a few times, they are becoming less and less, and you are feeling more at peace with where you are at now.
Integration
Having thoroughly reviewed all of your relationship, and both yours and your partner’s contributions, you are also starting gain a deeper understanding about what really happened and are integrating this new understanding into your life story.
Reorganisation
In this final phase, you will experience a profound reorganisation of your life based on your learnings about your loss and your experiences. You will most likely have developed new values and perspectives on life, and you will naturally be beginning to think of new horizons that you may never have thought about before.
This is the stage of major positive changes. Many people start to get fit, take up a new hobby, change jobs, start a new work direction or have a variety of other new goals.
Often you will begin to feel a new sense of courage and strength, so give yourself permission to live life and love fully with an open heart again.
And you will be feeling more at peace again too.
A new era in your life is beginning that will take you to realms and arenas you couldn’t have dreamed about before you started this process, and you will start to feel deep gratitude for the journey you have been on. It has all been worth it.
(Adapted by Julie Hart from Susan Elliott’s “Getting past your breakup”)
On the surface, it seems to make sense: A pair of hot, impassioned 20-year-olds, deeply in love; the novelty of the experience, happening in an era of sexual exploration that only occurs before the stresses of “real” adulthood — careers, children, domestic life, financial worries — settles in.
But is that true? Is great lovemaking only reserved for the young?
Not at all. As a psychologist with 20 years’ experience working with more than 1,000 couples in relationships, I’ve found that the best lovemaking actually depends on several factors, most of which have little to do with youth, and more to do with authentic self-expression, creative thinking, and communication — all of which typically get better with time.
It turns out great lovemaking is a fusion (or at times a combustion) of great sex and great love. With the following three factors in place, you’re nearly guaranteed to create powerful, wonderful experiences in the bedroom…and beyond.
Great lovemaking is founded in great love, and the #1 factor in finding, growing, and sustaining great love — from the very first time you meet to spending a long together — is a deep emotional connection. But what is that exactly?
A deep emotional connection is the result of the bond that forms when both partners are willing to share their feelings — including their most vulnerable ones — with the other. That means being willing to be authentic about you experience at any given moment: from giddy joy and excitement to fear, sadness, shame, anger, and every possible permutation among them. Now and then, it means sharing feelings you’re not particularly proud of. Or happy about.
It also means being genuinely curious about your partner, and willing to accept him or her for their feelings. How do they feel about [insert topic]? Are the two of you in alignment? Does it matter? What are their deepest desires? What have they experienced — and what have they learned from it? In creating deep emotional connection, authenticity and curiosity must go hand in hand.
Finally, having such a connection means “being there” for each other: when one partner needs support from the other, as well as when the tables are turned. Over time, as the two of you both continue to be authentic, curious, and supportive, the bond between you grows stronger, deeper, and more significant.
This emotional connection is the single largest factor behind great lovemaking. From the first moment of arousal to the last explosive orgasm, it underpins the entire erotic process, resulting in deeper, richer, and more loving moments of intimacy. The two of you share the experience with your own special beloved — and that makes all the difference.
Factor 2: Explore Your Pleasure Playfully
Part of what makes early sexual encounters exciting is that they’re novel and fun. And it’s true: Much of what makes good sex good is about having fun, discovering what’s pleasurable for you and your partner, and coming up with new possibilities of things to explore. A commitment to make it fun and be willing to try things you’ve never tried before will go a long way towards keeping your love life fresh and new.
Think you already know everything your partner likes? You probably don’t. That’s okay — preferences can change over time; yours have, right? — and asking directly will give you an opportunity to know your partner better. (We’ll talk more about communication in Factor 3.)
If you’re ready to fire up your love life, start by creating an evening in which the two of you agree to explore different ways of touching each other. Start with one partner — hands only, at first — and then reciprocate. Be patient; talk about how it’s feeling. Keep it light and fun. Then try different textures: a feather, a brush. Or maybe step in the shower, soap each other up, and explore how it feels for each of you. Some other ideas:
Change up where you’re doing it. The bedroom is great, but why not make love on the balcony? On a rug in front of the fireplace? On a deserted beach? In some other place? Your creativity is your only limit.
Explore new sexual positions, noticing how each one feels for each of you.
Get away for a weekend. That means just the two of you, alone, which allows for more playfulness and focus on each other.
By being inventive and creative, you’ll discover more options for your intimate connection, allowing the two of you to explore your pleasures in as many ways as you can think of.
Factor 3: Communicate What You Like
After counseling thousands of couples, I’ve seen how common it is for two people in a relationship not to talk about to each other about what they like (and what they don’t) when it comes to sex. It’s sad but true. It means that on many occasions, the two partners are left to assume what the other likes or dislikes instead of knowing about it clearly.
So I urge you: In terms of lovemaking, share what you like and don’t like with your partner, and ask him or her what feels good for them.
This discussion doesn’t have to be timed only for intimate moments. Take time to connect before, during, and after sex — any time the two of you feel like talking more about…
…what kinds of touch you like and on what areas of your body
…what kinds of touch are sensual for you, and what turns you on erotically
…when you prefer an extended lovemaking session and when you prefer a quickie
…anything else you can think of.
Being able to fully express your own desires and becoming a master of your partner’s is likely to transform the sexual experience for both of you.
So there you have it. By creating a deep emotional connection, committing to explore new ideas playfully, and speaking up about what you like, the two of you are likely to bring a whole new energy and enjoyment to your lovemaking, which (it turns out) can be incredibly fun and deeply satisfying at any age or stage in the relationship.
And, lucky for both of you, none of my solutions require either of you to have the body of a 20-year-old.
If your relationship has become stale or too comfortable and a little boring, and you’d like to rejuvenate both your relationship and your sex life, check out my new Online Relationship program Renew Your Sparkwww.renewyourspark.co. The 9 modules cover essential areas of your relationship and sex life and can be done in the comfort of your own home and when the timing suits you both. Alternatively, if you’re looking for help from a psychologist in person or over the phone, contact us here.
A more exciting and rewarding relationship awaits you.
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Once you have lived through the painful feelings, you will then 